Death Is Unescapable

Lately I have been having these thoughts of death.  I know that each of us are one day closer to death than we were yesterday.  And I know that death cannot be avoided.  We were not made to live forever here, on earth.  So yes, I know, death is always going to happen, even to people we love.  

But it doesn't make sense to rush those thoughts either.  I mean what purpose does thinking about death benefit the thinker in this situation.  I know that some could say it is to prepare yourself for that life changing event but still I see no real benefit for having them now.  I know death is hard to cope with for families that are very close.  And I know that thinking about something doesn't mean it is going to happen either.  And while I love to be prepared, for everything in my life, and usually doing that with the worst case scenario in mind, does that really help me here.

I just pray that the Lord will help me fill my mind with more positive thoughts and thoughts of His way and not my way.  For my thoughts can and usually do get off track and on to something else that isn't going to help me at all.  

I love the people in my life and cannot ever imagine life without them. But just like what most people will joke about.  Death is a 1 to 1 ratio and no one can escape death unless the Lord calls you home before your time is up.  So move on mind and find a better place to dwell like enjoying the company of friends and family now.  For that is all we have, today.  We cannot control anything in the future no matter how hard we try and think about it.

How Can I Stand Before God

How Can I Stand Before God

How do I present myself to God.  I come to Him with sin overflowing in my life and my heart.  My desires pointing to the sin of my world much less the world itself.  I come before the God that created the heavens and earth.  Created man in His image and yet knew that man would go against His good will He had for us.  I come before the God that I serve ashamed of who I am and ashamed of what I have become.  I use to think that I can do anything as long as my mind was stronger than my will.  I have found that to be a mistake.  For the will to do evil seems to be far greater in strength than my mind.  I come before the God, who by His very natural hates sin, gave us His Son to be the perfect sacrifice in order that we may have salvation.  That God.  Yes the perfect God.  So here I come before Him knowing that my life is anything but the life that I would want to present before the King.  How can any servant come to his master with the very least to offer instead of the very best that we should have offered him.  In ancient times a king would kill that servant for being so disobedient to the king’s wishes.  And I would agree with the kings decree for I too believe I deserve death more than I deserve life.  I cry at night because I know that I can only offer my King what I have and when I see what I have I am embarrassed.  How could a King ever want what I have to offer without decreeing death on me.  I wish I could present myself to God, as the son, who lived out His rules without fault.  Without having to ask for forgiveness.  Without having to look deep inside myself to see what my true intentions were behind every decision that I made.  I wish I could stand tall, proud, without any fear and know that who I am was the man that God and I wanted me to be.  But I can’t.  I can’t stand tall, I am not proud of my life and I fear daily that God has given up on me.  Given me to my sins.  Given me to the desires that have already ruined so much of my life.  How can God ever love me I would think.  And yes even said out loud if I was honest.  But then I remember that God does love me, imperfection and all.  That he didn’t kill me when I prayed and asked Him too.  That He didn’t forget me although I feel like He would be justified to do.  But rather He did send His Son to earth to provide salvation for the people that He created, even me.  I am not worthy and for that reason I will never know how He could love someone like me.  But God has said this many times and it is still true today.  How can man ever think he could see things the way God does.  For God’s love, mind and creativity is far greater than what any man can ever grasp.  

Well Another Day, Another Interview, and Another Rejection

Well another day, another interview, and another rejection.  Today I drove down to Fenton which is about 45 minutes away from home for a job interview.  First off, the interview only lasted about 15 minutes.  45 minutes down 45 minutes back so a total of 90 minutes of travel time for a 15 minute interview.  Yeah that was worth my time.  And I thought the interview went well for me at least.  For me that means I did not totally go blank and just spazz out during the interview.  And afterwards they said that they will call between 5 and 9 pm tonight to let me know if I got the job or not.  It is 9:40pm and no phone call.  So I am the proud owner of yet another award called rejection.  

I got another interview on Wednesday so after this event I am really excited about another chance at rejection.  This one at least will be closer to drive to.  But it is basically the same type company that I went to today so hopefully I learned from todays answers to make sure I do not use the same ones.  Now I just have to hope they ask the same type questions.  This is going to be a long few days ahead.  And this not having a job is not helping my confidence any.

I believe that my friends could really care less what goes on in my life.  I sent out emails and while I got replies to the first email I got none from the second one.  Why should I be surprised by that.  They all have their own lives to live.  Most of them have their own children now.  And well most if not all are just not as close to me as they once were.  Life does that to people.  You are never as close to your friends as you are now.  Because time will eventually cause every friendship to change in ways that we never see coming.  In the end friendships are not made to last forever like we all believe they are suppose to be.  So needless to say my friends could really care less about me.  I get those "token" emails asking how things are going.  But like when you pass someone on the sidewalk and ask how they are doing you are already walking past them before you can hear their answer.  In the end you really did not care how their day was going you just felt like it was needed to be said in that situation.

So while I have never left the feelings of self-hatred behind they are back next to me again tonight.  The feeling of failure is not far behind and should be arriving soon.  Depression is my consent friend who never leaves me even though I ask for it too.  The cutmiser is probably a day or two behind but if things work out according to plan it should arrive Wednesday afternoon or night.  The cutmiser is planning a slice and dice party that night.  He already used worthless on the last party.  So I am guessing it will probably be something different this time around.  Maybe just lines to show the sorrow that my life reflects in the mirror.  When I look in the mirror I no longer see a man looking back at me.  Instead I see a person who is no longer associated with me.  That person is not the person I knew from the past.  This person is more of a loser, a failure, a waste of life, and worthless.  No good to anyone muchless himself.  

So I am struggling with thoughts that I am not sure a Christian should have.  I am also trying not to explode with my emotions.  I kept all my emotions inside me my whole life.  And for the most part that was easy to do.  When everything goes right in your life it is easier to just let those emotions roll off your chest.  But as things start going wrong then those emotions start to build up inside you.  No longer do they just roll off but instead they keep getting bigger and bigger until it just overflows out of you.  Well I am trying to hold those emotions in but little by little they are coming out through my cutting.  It allows me to shift from the pain my life is causing me and focus more on the cutting and the pain that comes from that.  It is a stress, trapped, and whatever feeling reliever.  But the thoughts I am struggling with are more of suicide and depression.  Do Christians have those thoughts or am I the only one.  Do Christians that have those thoughts mean that maybe they are not really Christians at all but posers.  Maybe I am living a lie.  Posing as a Christian when in reality I am struggling with those thoughts because I am not really a Christian at all.  

I keep praying for help and maybe it is there or coming but I do not see it yet myself.  I see no future ahead of me.  All I see is darkness.  My choices are horrible and my life is going into the shitter.  I can not seem to please God with my choices and I would not blame Him for hating me as well.  I am not only a sinner but a repeat offender on many accounts.  I wish I could stop my bad choices but they just come to me so easily and quickly for that matter.  Once I realize what happened it is sometimes too late to change anything.  I pray for forgiveness but end up making the same mistakes a day or two later.  It drives me crazy and I can only imagine what it is driving Jesus too.  He has to be thinking when will this person ever get it.  I doubt if I ever will.  It seems like I am just destin to make choices that are not perfect.

Off the soapbox and moving on to my evening where I am doomed probably to another night of not much sleep.  

Written - 3 March 2008

The Meaning of My Scars

Okay so I was reading a psychology blog and someone mentioned their scars from cutting and how people (her boyfriend in particular) didn't understand why people cut. She said it was never for attention but he thought it was. So that got me thinking why did I cut. Was it for attention (I think not) but then what.

For me the cutting meant a relief from the life I was living through. I didn't particularly like who I was. I didn't care for what I had become. And I didn't for sure like the way my future was looking as well. I hated myself for everything from my character, to my sins, to my lack to stop my sins, to my weight and most importantly to my inability to find jobs or people who would want me. Yes I am talking both employers and women who never wanted to date me or be seen with me for that matter. It was hard to take and the only relief from my depression and those feelings came in the form of a blade. I would cut the only feelings I had for myself. It was a dark period of my life. I was more than just lost. I was someone who started to care less if he was ever found. I started to realize that suicide wasn't just an choice people made but an option I should consider myself. I was only around people in physical appearence only. My mind just wasn't there with me. It was long gone. The depression thought away any feeling and desire to live anymore. I hide my feelings very well around others. I believe not one person knew about my condition. I became very good at lying about how I was feeling. Knew the words to say to keep people at a distance. But inside I was dying. Inside I knew I wasn't worth the spit that you see on the ground. And because of that I found great relief in cutting. It allowed me to say the things I couldn't say in public about myself. I would not just cut I would cut words into my arms.

Words like - Fuck, Hate, Me - My way of saying that I fucking hate myself. But you only have so much room on your arm so I had to shorten each word to make that statement stick. I would also cut things like fucking loser and many other phases that I have since forgotten. 

I have not cut in over an year. Since Feb of 2010 to be exact. The thoughts are no longer there or at least for the now. My dreams and thoughts are that they never come back. I know what it feels like to be hopeless, empty inside, to have no future that appears good, to remind yourself of your mistakes over and over again, to hate yourself for everything, to have thoughts of suicide and to plan out your death from start to finish. I know that one day I hope to use what I have lived through to one day help someone else in their moment of pain and hopelessness.

But for now I am not sure if I really explained why I cut as good as it should have been but hopefully I allowed myself a chance to put at least some of those feelings down on paper (so to say) and remind myself why my scar is still there and how they came to be.

Written - 18 December 2011

A Simple Prayer

Lord.  I have no clue why my life is spinning out of control.  I feel like I have lost all control of my life.  That I am in the middle of the ocean, at night, in the water, and have no clue which way is up to save my life.    I read an article on Ashley Judd where she said that it wasn't until she decided her way was not working that she allowed herself to be directed by you.  I can see now that my ways are not working for me.  I think it is time I allowed someone else to direct my life.  I hope that you would be that someone.  That person that will take a sinner like me and lead me out of my private hell that I am going through.  I want to see light but can not see anything in the mist of darkness that I have found myself to be in.  I want you to lead me but why would you waste your time with someone like me.  When do you just say that this person is just too stupid to be lead out of anything much less their own problems and troubles.  Am I too far into my own ways that I am not directable.  I hope not.  Please give me that second, okay maybe the millionth, chance.  I think I am ready this time. 

Amen

Written - 3 December 2007

Closed book is my life

It is very hard for me to open up to others.  I am like a closed book sitting on the shelf.  Except for my book is locked as well.  Good luck trying to open it.  It is hard for me to make close friends because of this.  I keep wanting to shout out all my inner feelings to them but can't.  I would love to have a friend that I could meet at a coffeehouse and just share my day but I can't.  I am emotionless and have been my whole life.  Afraid of opening up not knowing how it would be accepted or not from the person I was talking too.  I show neither highs nor lows when I am out in the public.  I know that others may think I am high on myself, rude, not caring, or any or all of the those things but I am not.  I am just stuck in a world of fear.  I have tried to open up in small groups but in the end could not do that either.  It does not really matter who I am with it is very hard for them to get close to me.  I have only a couple of really close friends and those I have had for years.  But for new people who come into my life I am almost not willing to even consider opening myself up to them.  I do not know when this not wanting to open up started but I do know it is getting worst as the days go by.  I am actually a very polite, caring, easy to talk to, very good at listening to others problems, and more but no one knows that because of me being this way.  I wish someone could buy my book, find a way to open it up, and rewrite some of the pages in my life.  Changing the parts that were closed and allowing me the opportunity to be normal like everyone else.  Feeling free to say whatever I want without feeling that someone will think that I was a stupid fuck for saying that and then not caring even if they did think that.  I am trapped in my own little world where the borders are sealed and the ruler is fear of what others might think of me.  

Well the book may seem to be closed but trust me the context inside the book are wanting to leap out and share itself with others. 

I just have to find where I left that key to re-open the book.  

Written - 12 December 2007

Trying to Cry

Here I sit ready to cry

Wondering why I am still this way

Crying would help but I can only try

Because no tears are there to my dismay

I hate my life and what I become

Depression is the only thing I have

Wish someone would care about me yes even one

Because I am not sure I can do this anymore

The pain is strong

The pain won't go away 

I wish I was dead to ease the pain, is that wrong

But I am a coward so I guess I must stay

Date written - Unknown