Okay so I was reading a psychology blog and someone mentioned their scars from cutting and how people (her boyfriend in particular) didn't understand why people cut. She said it was never for attention but he thought it was. So that got me thinking why did I cut. Was it for attention (I think not) but then what.
For me the cutting meant a relief from the life I was living through. I didn't particularly like who I was. I didn't care for what I had become. And I didn't for sure like the way my future was looking as well. I hated myself for everything from my character, to my sins, to my lack to stop my sins, to my weight and most importantly to my inability to find jobs or people who would want me. Yes I am talking both employers and women who never wanted to date me or be seen with me for that matter. It was hard to take and the only relief from my depression and those feelings came in the form of a blade. I would cut the only feelings I had for myself. It was a dark period of my life. I was more than just lost. I was someone who started to care less if he was ever found. I started to realize that suicide wasn't just an choice people made but an option I should consider myself. I was only around people in physical appearence only. My mind just wasn't there with me. It was long gone. The depression thought away any feeling and desire to live anymore. I hide my feelings very well around others. I believe not one person knew about my condition. I became very good at lying about how I was feeling. Knew the words to say to keep people at a distance. But inside I was dying. Inside I knew I wasn't worth the spit that you see on the ground. And because of that I found great relief in cutting. It allowed me to say the things I couldn't say in public about myself. I would not just cut I would cut words into my arms.
Words like - Fuck, Hate, Me - My way of saying that I fucking hate myself. But you only have so much room on your arm so I had to shorten each word to make that statement stick. I would also cut things like fucking loser and many other phases that I have since forgotten.
I have not cut in over an year. Since Feb of 2010 to be exact. The thoughts are no longer there or at least for the now. My dreams and thoughts are that they never come back. I know what it feels like to be hopeless, empty inside, to have no future that appears good, to remind yourself of your mistakes over and over again, to hate yourself for everything, to have thoughts of suicide and to plan out your death from start to finish. I know that one day I hope to use what I have lived through to one day help someone else in their moment of pain and hopelessness.
But for now I am not sure if I really explained why I cut as good as it should have been but hopefully I allowed myself a chance to put at least some of those feelings down on paper (so to say) and remind myself why my scar is still there and how they came to be.
Written - 18 December 2011
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